Learning to go with the flow
A chime goes off. I automatically turn towards my nightstand and reach for my phone. My pastel green floral curtains, which is honestly more like paper mache, only does so much to block out the morning sun. It’s a brand new day, a day supposedly full of opportunities but all I perceive is a stagnant clump of air — of energy all around me. I open up the windows to air out the room but no matter how fresh the air is outside, the inside is still somehow damp, stagnant, much like a vacant room that is already coated with dew on the verge of sprouting clusters of fruiting bodies.
As I live my life and meet new people I notice that we all too often share the same stagnant energy, as if something or someone is blocking a flow of new and fresh energy from entering our lives. In my earlier years I clung onto this stagnant energy even when I knew things needed to change. Why? Because as humans we are programmed to feel good within the familiarity. That is why many of us fall prey to behaviors like substances, power, desires and the ego even when we know it’s a losing game. As humans we find comfort in the familiarity even when they are negative and we know they aren’t good for us because we think that’s what identifies us. The behavior has already been downloaded into our mental and physical memory that in order to extract it out we need to go within.
During the period of my stagnation, I shall call it, I purposely choose to isolate myself. I choose to isolate myself from others, the society, and even sometimes my own family. The people who we are closest to often have the largest influence on us, thus the greater the impact, the greater the memory download. Like a hermit, I dwelled in my own being. And while I dwelled in my own being, I began to see things a lot more clearer as if the fog in my mind had finally begun to dissipate. I finally surrendered and let myself enjoy the ride of life. This is called going with the flow. In going with the flow we aren’t trying to be the same as everyone else doing the same thing, following the trends. Trends die but your own genuinely and journey with life will forever live on whether you know it or not.
A couple years back I sat on the edge of my bed crying. Crying because I was “lost” and felt as if I had so much potential within me but all of it was being blocked. Fat salty hot tears rolled down my cheeks. My nose is like a running faucet and my eyes are bright red and puffy. No matter how hard I cried, I knew nothing was going to “fix” the now…all I knew is that I wanted things to change. Turning on my laptop I was confronted with the “failure” of my own online business. I was being mocked with the numbers on my YouTube analytics, and on Google Docs, the first few lines that I thought would make it into my own book…I felt I had so much potential but it’s all being stopped from happening and I desperately wanted to unclog the drain. Yet no amount of Drano was gonna turn things around.
In my dreams I see a lush garden, brimming with sunlight and a myriad of delicious fruits. Foliage grows wild and free. The ground underneath my feet feels sturdy and safe.
In order to reach the lush garden on the other side, we must first step into ‘no mans’ (or woman’s’) land’. We must step into a territory where we will be exposed — exposed to all of our demons, hauntings, and come face to face with the ego. We must take the leap into a territory outside of our comfort zone and trust in the process even when we do not know what the ‘process’ is. Actually, coming to terms with yourself and our own situation, our awareness, is the first step into going with the flow. We cannot change our life if we first do not identify the need for change. The journey of completely putting our whole selves into the “hands” of another higher being — god, the universe…whatever you may wish to call it, is a honestly a fucking scary process. In our cars and on our phones we all have the GPS application that will tell us directions to our destination. With the GPS we will never get lost or worry where we’ll end up and we can even track our progress to our destination. When I offered to let the universe take control I gave up my authority of knowing — the second most important thing to humans to our freedom. When I fell into the hands of the universe I was rewarded with much more than I anticipated.
A garden doesn’t take a day to grow nor a week or even months. Cultivating a rich and abundant garden takes years and we are always tending to this beautiful garden throughout our lives. To do this we don’t need fancy things to help us, we don’t need excessive tending, all it takes is a seed.
In recent months, I’ve experienced more than I did in years. I was called to explore multiple creative endeavors that brought me out of my comfort zone. I learned to let go and enjoy the ride of life, beginning with movement. The energy within us moves more freely when we are moving freely, otherwise the energy gets blocked and we face illness like physical ailments or mental illness. I always made space within my day dedicated to movement. When I move my body I feel the energy within me surge through, starting with my toes and tingling up my spine to my head, giving me strength, joy, and peace. What I have discovered is that different movements allow the energy within us to flow differently as well.
Aside from my usual workout routine that consists of strength training and weight lifting, I’ve dabbled into the world of dance. In one month, I’ve done as much dancing as I did in a lifetime (well up till now). I’ve met new people along the way and I’ve paved my own stage. When nobody is there to give you a stage — to shine light onto you, you have to be your own light bearer. That memory is already embedded into my body. I turn up the music to the highest volume. The bass of the music rang throughout my body like tree rings. It vibrated in circular motions and while in my mind I had no idea what I was doing, my body began to move on its own accord. Freely dancing in my sweat soaked shirt under the makeshift spotlight I made using a small LED lamp, I let my body take control. No more thinking, no more thoughts of what’s next, the only thing that matters is now.
Several years ago, I would have wanted to disappear into the wall next to me. Too shy and embarrassed to let go. Or was it more like too detached from my own emotions and being to step into the body I am in now? Going with the flow can certainly mean different things for everyone. But the most important thing is to not think too much. Feel instead. Our mind is just analyzing what the body is perceiving so let’s listen to our body more and let it take control once in a while.
Just let go and go with the flow.
