When death brings the family together
A Zoom Funeral
There’s a stillness in the air. The warm glow of the hallway light crawls under my door and emits into my room as the sun continues to slumber. I fumble for the lightswitch in the darkness. My eyes draw shut as the cool light oscillates throughout my room. It’s too early.
Slivers of light begin pouring through the window. I follow one of the rays. I see the perfume bottle with golden enamel placed next to my other perfume bottles that I purchased from the drugstore.
I get up and walk to the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of hot tea. Something to hug me for the gloomy event that’s to come.
80 of us on one screen and 20 of us on one stage. It’s as if I was watching a movie. Through my laptop screen, the host stands at the podium and begins to read his script.
“Today, we are gathered here from all around the world…”
In the background I see Yi Ma lying in the casket. Her hands together, resting on her chest as she holds a bouquet of white flowers. The stage spotlight shines on her, illuminating the paleness of her face that matched the flowers she’s holding.
On script, one by one each member came onto stage to share their memories of her. Sobbing is heard through the video.
I’m wearing red underwear today.
Christmas, Years Ago
The crunch of the snow as I walk across the white lawn echoes throughout the empty street. Like a lit fire in a dark cave, Yi Ma’s house glows in the dark night. As I enter the house I am greeted by the laughter of my relatives. The fireplace crackles, the smell of dinner cooking made my tummy rumble. The dogs, Tom and Nemo swirl around me, a harmony of black and blonde.
I didn’t know how it was possible but, all of us were able to gather at the table as if the table was never ending. Arms, hands, tangle and dance as we pass each plate around and enjoy this rare moment of family gathering. A moment that only lives in my memories once.
A touch of warmth from below brushed against my legs. I glance down. Tom and Nemo are below the table, scavenging for scraps on the floor and begging those around them for a holiday treat. Tom puts his snout on my lap, looking at me with those dark eyes. I scoop up a piece of broccoli into my palm and bring it under the table. Tom is a smart fella and comes back to me for more. Nemo on the other hand, says hi to everyone but no one says hi back. Should have come to me, I’ve got plenty leftovers on my plate.
Toronto: The Real Real
Toronto. After 4 hours and 52 minutes on my ass. 4 hours and 52 minutes watching movies and playing Bejeweled. We finally arrived in Toronto.
“We’re close to downtown, let’s get something to eat there,” says my mom.
“No, I want McDonalds.” My dad replied.
“There’s going to be a lot of places to eat downtown, I’m sure we can get a breakfast place there.”
“No. I want McDonalds.”
Dad’s dream place. The smell of sausage and eggs is pungent. I take a sip of my coffee. I burn my tongue. When was the last time I came to this place? The smell and taste has already been saturated into my brain. The four of us fill our bellies with Mc Muffins and coffee.
When was the last time I came to this place?
When times were simpler.
The drive was long and windy, with many twists and turns. The heater turned the car into a moving hotbox. I shifted in my seat wrapping myself tighter from the coldness trying to seep in. The world seems empty. Bleak. There wasn’t a single blueness in the sky, only grey clouds.
“Turn right. Right! Right…you missed it!” my mom shrieked as my dad continued to drive straight.
“What do you mean turn right? I don’t understand the road!” My dad replied back.
“Here, I have the map.” Lilly pipped in, opening her phone to her maps app, “how do I get this open..?”
Chaos. I feel chaos.
I close my eyes and try so desperately to drown out the chaos around me.
I’m only here because of Yi Ma. Nothing else. If it wasn’t for my aunt I wouldn’t have agreed to come on this trip in the first place. Not with all these adults around that seem like they understand how to navigate life but in reality, cause more trouble than should. I should give them a break though. They’re aging, and everyday I have less time with them. Savor it. Even if it tastes bitter.
The dark windows of the hospital blend the building into the grey sky. Arriving at Yi Ma’s room, I take out a face mask and spritz sanitizer on my hand. Walking in on my left there is a shelf for visitors to place their belongings. In front, a large window. My uncle sits in a chair by the window also with a face mask on. To the right of the room, is the washroom. There’s a single bed in the center. Yi Ma.
Her hair has streaks of gray. Her hair’s grown out. Her body seems to be recovering from the treatments. But she’s weak. Her eyes, tired, hopeless but, knowing. Her frail frame is mounted by the blue hospital gown.
She’s chatty. She gently holds my mom’s hands as she tells her about her appetite and her pains.
“I ate a little bit yesterday but today I’m not hungry.”
“I have some pain in my lower abdomen. I think I need the doctor to come take a look at it.”
“Oh, David is not here because he’s working. He’ll be here tomorrow.”
How are you Yi Ma? Look at me now Yi Ma, I’m all grown up.
I like to paint too.
“Jia Jia.”
I walked besides Yi Ma and held her hand.
“I heard that you graduated. What are you doing now?”
“I’m self studying art.”
Her brown eyes shimmered in the dreary atmosphere. “Good. Good.”
Good.
Good! That’s what the entire house smelled like. Everyone was gathered in the kitchen making dinner. Dumplings.
I feel something brush against my leg. Nemo. His coat is grey and he can barely stand on his own but his youth still shines. The same charming dummy that I saw more than 10 years ago.
“Hi boy, remember me?”
My mom, my aunt from China, and my dad station themselves around the dining table making dumplings. Uncle pulls out all of Yi Ma’s paintings for me to see. Delicate strokes making delicate flowers, birds, plants.
“She did this herself. She watched a video online and then did it herself.” Uncle says.
She did this?
It takes me years to master a simple stroke and even now my lines are less than. These strokes are delicate, yes, but confident. All knowing and poured out onto paper.
“Oh, and this wall sculpture, she did this herself too. I had to help her hold up the ladder. She painted this room too. I helped her hold up the projector. She kept on telling me not to move.”
“What?! That’s too high. She could’ve fallen and gotten seriously hurt. Especially in her condition.” Said my mom.
“I tried to stop her but you know your sister. Once she’s set her mind on something, nothing can stop her.”
His face is tired. He should rest.
“Yeah, that is my sister. Stubborn.”
My aunt turned the house into a studio. Every piece in the house seemed as if it was created by her. Aunty, who desired to create when everything in her life was falling apart. Destroyed.
“And this pillar, it looks like marble right? She actually painted it.”
I recognize her desire. I recognize her fire. Because I too, have it within me.
We arrived at Yi Ma’s house. Aunt Fei let us walk Nemo as she gets ready to go with us to the hospital. Lilly, the dog expert in our family, picks Nemo up and carries him down the stairs. She holds onto his leash and starts walking him down the street. Grandpa Nemo walks for a few minutes and then stops to rest, catching his breath. My dad and I continue walking down the misty street. I turn my head back to see that Lilly and Nemo have disappeared. So has most of the street, covered in a sheet of fog.
“All these houses look the same.” Says my dad.
“Yeah, they do.”
I inhaled deeply. The coolness of the morning air surprisingly helped clear my mind. Help slice away the heavy entity lingering around me.
I think about Nemo. Maybe simplicity is better.
I wanted so desperately for her to know. That we are the same. But I found it hard to find my voice. In my mind a clock is ticking and it sounds like a time bomb. Hurry, before time runs out, you don’t have forever. She doesn’t have forever. I try again and again but nothing ever comes out.
I wore my red underwear today. My mom is taking out the red underwear she bought for my aunt. We are all born in the year of the rat and wearing red during your year is a sign of luckiness. I quickly learn though that luck, no matter how much I believe in it, cannot outdo fate. I just couldn’t believe it that a strong willed woman like my aunt could go through the worst. What is worse though, knowing your time is up or watching a loved one’s time go out.
I hold onto her hand for the last time.
It’s our last day in Toronto. The final shake of this snow globe. Uncle Gu’s house looks exactly the same as Yi Ma’s house. No matter how hard I try it seems I can’t get rid of Canada.
I look down into my hands and see Hello Panda.
“Don’t laugh. Even Sheila likes this, it’s her favorite.” Uncle Gu says, handing me the snack.
“If you want, you can eat it now.”
I take off the cardboard wrapping.
“Don’t eat it now, we’re about to have lunch soon,” Says my dad as he passes by me.
“Okay dad.” I say slipping the snack into my bag.
I scan the house. There’s a portrait of my cousin in a yellow dress with a fake Paris backdrop near the entrance, above the piano. Above the staircase, there’s a portrait of Sheila again but an oil painting. I walk to the living room table and snack on nuts and coconut jelly.
“Oh right, I have something for you,” says Shen Shen, handing me a small box.
I open it. It’s a Chanel perfume bottle.
“Thank you,” I say. I look at the bottle. Strips of gold enamel shimmer under the sun.
“Alright, let’s eat!” Announced Shen Shen, placing down chopsticks on each plate.
“Jia Jia, what do you want to drink? This?” She takes out a green juice from the fridge.
“I’ll have that please.” I say. Green juice is probably better for me. I’ll splurge on the alcohol during dinner when it’s more appropriate.
It’s been over 10 years since I last visited my cousin. No one has changed. No, that’s a lie. I’ve changed. I chew on a slice of cucumber as I listen to Sheila talk about her new job and new boyfriend.
Shen Shen’s cooking brings me back to the ‘Early Family Era’. The table is filled corner to corner with authentic Chinese cuisine. Something I missed growing up. Times are changing and things are beginning to be more complex. I never asked for change. But it was a necessary change.
“Shen Shen, how did you cook this.” I asked, pointing to the cucumber salad.
“Oh, that’s simple.” She listed the ingredients and I took a mental note of them.
It is simple. But simple is not the same. It is not the same when it’s made without care, without soul.
Everyone had their fill and was now gossiping. I chew on a cherry pit as I listen.
“…He would come home late and Yi Ma would be up waiting for him. Sometimes he wouldn’t even come home.
…with another female.”
“A nurse.”
“He learned his lesson. Now, he truly loves Yi Ma. His emotions aren’t fake.”
“This happened when they first met more than 20 years ago and Yi Ma still carries a grudge against him. She should let it go.”
“She’s far too superior. He can’t satisfy her. Sure he made some wrongs when he was younger but now, he feels that he isn’t needed. Yi Ma can do everything herself.”
Sometimes we can’t do everything ourselves, no matter how capable we are. And we can’t expect everyone to be as capable as we are.
I spit out the cherry pit.
I’m in the backseat of my uncle’s car.
“Dad, you’re driving too fast. You always speed. Mom, we talked about how you would be more open minded.” Sheila says leaning forward resting her arms on shotgun.
I look out the window and see yellow grass poking out from the snow. Plants are very resilient. They are more resilient than you may think.
“I’m already driving slower than usual.”
“Well drive even slower.”
The car ride to the restaurant took approximately 30 minutes but it felt longer. It’ll be the first time seeing David since that Christmas ago and it’ll be the first time seeing Denise. Our whole family is in a private room, sitting at one long table. It felt shorter than the table I remembered at Yi Ma’s house. Maybe because we’re all grown up. David decided to order everything on the menu, a smart move saving all the adults the trouble of figuring out the menu. He’s quiet. I wonder if he’s always like this. Denise helps David with hosting the night. Her orange hair glows in the dim light.
Denise and I both order the same drink. I take a sip of my mule. I let the liquid courage melt my worries away. Somehow I sense that both De and I needed it. An unspoken connection.
The waiter comes into the room balancing platters of cheese and bread setting them on the table. I see David reach for the blue cheese spread. A small smile on his face. It’s the first time I’ve seen him smile since arriving here. Either he really likes blue cheese or he’s able to relax as the food is beginning to flow in. Next to me Sheila piles her plate full of bread with each piece a different cheese spread. Her pale skin shines and her eyes smile as she takes a bite out of her toast. Her black dress matches her black hair perfectly. I couldn’t follow in her footsteps. Nowhere as elegant. Rough around the edges. I never asked for change but it was a change that’s necessary and I’m proud of it. A change that matched the roughness of growing up.
“Okay, okay smile!” At the end of the table to my left the adults are drawing their iPhones. It’s as if I was in a wild wild west showdown. But the only thing I’ve got in my hands is bread. Sheila panics, unsure of how to comprehend the sudden draw of the event. Unprepared. I shove the piece of bread into my mouth and smile.
“That’s my boyfriend. I tell him that his head is too long.” Sheila passes her phone around the dinner table. I take the phone from Uncle Gu who is sitting on my right. I can’t tell, he’s wearing a hat. I pass Sheila back her phone.
Uncle Gu then leans towards me and whispers, “Sheila already showed us her boyfriend. 你那?”
I laugh,“下次.” Next time.
“More wine?” David gestures to the wine cooler on the table.
Departure
I stand in front of the closet shelf, scanning for anything I might have missed to pack. Carefully, I fold my red underwear and place it into my suitcase. Walking to the bathroom, I take the perfume aunty gave me and place it into my toiletry bag.
We’re all out now. I look down the street. Houses covered in fog. Only spokes of colors through the veil.
“Let’s go.”
