That Day
“你知道发生了什么吗？
Do you know what happened?” my mom continued explaining.
“What happened?” I replied back, staring intently at my mom.
“姑姑，死了。
GuGu is dead.”
“Fire.”
Shoreline
My phone rings. Without looking at the caller ID, I know that it is my aunt. I get up from my desk and stroll to the front door. As soon as I open the door, GuGu is already entering the house, holding her arms up and giving me a big hug. I notice her freshly dyed pastel purple hair, adorned with small green garden clips. GuGu points to her red boots and says,
“看我的新鞋了吗?
Did you see my new shoes?”
“看到了。我喜欢！
I did, I like it!”
I replied back, sitting down on the bench nearby and putting my sneakers on.
Getting into her white sedan, everything is the same. The smell of sun soaked upholstery, the Hello Kitty seat covers that’s been worn away from the years, and auntie’s pink gloves that she wears to protect her arms from the sun while driving. The ride was almost like a dream. Luscious colors of blue, green blur past my sight as we drive to Shoreline. As we get closer to the park, the smell of salt saturates everything around me.
The sun is warm and brightly lit. Maybe I should have brought a hat? I think to myself as I look out towards the shore and shelter my eyes from the bright rays. Gentle waves serve as our melody as both of us walk around the park. There is the occasional murmur of geese nearby the grass fields waddling together looking for fresh grass to feed on. With the geese chiming in our conversation, my aunt brought up a poem:
咏鹅
Ode to Goose
骆宾王
Luo bin Wang
鹅，鹅，鹅
Goose, goose, goose,
曲项向天歌。
You raise your neck to sing to the sky.
白毛浮绿水，
Floating on green water bearing feathers of white,
红掌拨清波。
Red feet stirring this clear green dye.
My aunt tilts her head and looks at me,
“你还记得你小时候我们两个背唐诗吗?
Do you remember the times the both of us would recite poems together?”
“我记得。
Yeah, I remember.”
I replied back, thinking about our little poetry recital the last time we came to Shoreline.
Noise, all around me start to soften. To drown. And the trees and grasses and water dance to the tempo of the cool breeze. I suddenly feel like a child again. A child going for a walk around the park with my mom. Hand in hand, walking gently as time seemed forever young. I look at GuGu. She looks back at me and smiles. There was something particular about that smile. Was it because I haven’t seen her in a while and forgotten her smile? Was it because the sun is too bright to see things clearly? For some reason, my heart ached.
We stop at the wooden bench nearby and rest ourselves as we look towards the shore. From a glance the shore looks like a barren wasteland. The water is very still and the horizon seems endless. Herons stand in the water grooming their feathers. But, there is life. Precious life when I stay still, listen, and feel. I can hear rustling in the bushes as lizards dart in and out. Sounds of water splashes add to the chorus as fish move about. Birds in the treetops chirp a high pitch tone as they chatter to one another and, wind. The wind. They play with our clothes lifting up our blouses. They play with our hair, running their fingers through our dark strands. They carry our voices, our poem, our thoughts out to the horizon.
The Sun is now well above our heads and small sweat beads begin to form on my temple. We stand up and head towards the park entrance. Both of us had walked up an appetite so we decided to have lunch at the cafe. While having lunch GuGu tells me her past.
It all started with me. I was the reason my aunt flew from her life in China to fulfill a completely new life in America. One that was filled with uncertainty but reaped great rewards. With little money and security GuGu took on any job.
“你知道吗，我当过汽车售货员?
Did you know that one of the jobs I did was work as a car saleswoman?
那时，我很难掌握英语。
At that time, I had such difficulty grasping the english language.
在我的职位上，我不可避免地要面对许多困难的客户，
And in my position it was inevitable that I faced many difficult customers,
但是我的老板对我很耐心，如果我能够帮助一个客户，我会很高兴。
But my boss was very patient with me and I was happy if I was able to just help one customer.”
I was silent. It must have been difficult to not be able to say what you’re feeling, thinking, because you don’t understand a language. To swallow in your emotions, your ego, your comfort for the sake of survival.
My aunt wipes a tear away and smiles at me through blurry eyes and says,
“赶快吃，否则你的食物会变冷，味道也不再好了！
Hurry and eat, or your food will get cold and it won’t taste good anymore!”
I laugh at my aunt’s order,
“Okay.”
Picking up my tuna sandwich I get three bites in before my aunt continues to tell her story. I place my sandwich on the plate and wipe my fingers with my napkin.
“我现在是护士助理, 你已经知道了。
As you already know, currently I am working as a Nurse Assistant.
这是一项艰巨的工作，但是却带给我很多快乐。
It’s a hard job but it has brought me so much joy.
你还记得我一直照顾的老太太吗？
Do you remember the old lady I always take care of?
许多护士助理被分配给她, 但他们持续不了多久。因为老太太很喜怒无常。
Many nurses assistants were assigned to her but they never lasted long because the old lady gets moody and she’s very picky.
I take a sip of water. Her eyes, now bittersweet.
“Honey, 吃吃！ 我只想告诉你一个故事。
Honey, eat, eat! I just want to tell you a story.
“好·。”
Okay
I say as I pick up my fork and start to eat my salad. Tension swirled in the air. It lingered around my shoulders peering over. And it stayed there, watching as if waiting to see what cards I play. I place my fork down on the plate and allowed my aunt to continue with her story. Tension watched cautiously.
“起初，当我分配给她时，她很不高兴，向我生气。但我没有放弃。
At first, when I was assigned to her, she was very upset and angry at me. But I didn’t give up.
她家里有架钢琴，就像你家的钢琴一样。
She has a piano in her house, like the one at your place.
她有一次生我的气，但我没有生过气。 我很高兴，开始弹钢琴。 我请她加入我的行列。 因此，当别人生你的气时，别生气？
One time when she got angry with me, I didn’t get angry back. I was happy and started to play the piano. I asked her to join in with me. So, when others get angry at you, don’t get angry back okay?”
“Honey, eat, eat!”
“姑姑，你也吃吧。
Aunty, you eat too.”
She hasn’t touched her fish and chips since her first story. Fish and Chips is her favorite.
Tension smirked and quietly fled leaving behind a gift. The gift of guilt. The gift that I am forced to face. Forced to come face to face and create peace with.
Thanksgiving
Come Thanksgiving. One of the major holidays that my family makes it a priority to get together. The only holiday that all of us are able to be together under one roof. The doorbell rings and my parents as well as my brother and I go to see who it is. The door opens and we are welcomed by the loud sing-song voice of my aunt,
“Happy Thanksgiving!”
“Happy Thanksgiving!”
My family says back in the same tone. Entering the house, my aunt is followed by her son and wife, holding paper bags in each hand.
“We bought some fruits.”
Yar says, taking her shoes off and putting on a pair of slippers.
GuGu immediately gives me a big hug. Her jasmine perfume wafted all around me, enveloping me in. The velvet fabric of her floral black and red dress caress me. I feel cozy, warm, and safe.
In mandarin, pistachio is called, “开心果,” which directly translates to happy nut. GuGu is our family’s little pistachio. She never stops to spread love all around her. Always greeting everyone with a big smile and a big hug. In her arms, nothing in this world can stop me. Time always slows down when I’m with her, as if time, is also savoring the moment. Time, is also swaying with her hips as GuGu softly hums to a jingle.
Gathering in the living room, all of us chitter and chatter as we figure out the best way to take photos. Honestly, it’s the adult’s highlight. Unlike for the kids who are waiting to feast. My brother, the photographer and film expert in the family, sets up the tripod and DSLR. Shutter sounds go off to the squabble of adults as my brother tests his shots. I let out a small sigh as this is family tradition, and it is inevitable to escape this once we begin. The same goes for my brother who then becomes purely a photographer as GuGu takes over as director.
“Okay everybody, 我们笑, like this,
Okay everyone, lets all smile like this,
Says GuGu as she tilts her face to the right side and lets out a big smile, showing her teeth.
“然后…这样！
And then…like this!” GuGu then brings her hand up to her face, cupping her cheeks.
Groans can be heard as none of us are comfortable being that extra.
I lean over the stove, ladling up my second cup of mulled wine, when my aunt gently taps my shoulder,
“你现在做什么？你已经毕业了。
What have you been up to since you’ve graduated?”
“我在自学艺术。
I’m self studying art.” I say, spinning around and taking a sip of wine.
“我跟你说，在这个时候，很多工作都愿意接受应届毕业生
Let me tell you, at this time a lot of companies are willing to take in fresh grads.
你可以考虑做护理工作。你善良耐心，我知道你努力工作。
You can consider doing nursing jobs. You are kind, patient, and a hard worker, they will definitely hire you!
稍后，我将向您发送网络链接。
I will send you the website link and you can take a look.
Guilt. She skipped in circles around me, poking my sides as she happily smiles at me. You’re really good at biology, maybe you should’ve stuck with that? Are you sure you want to do art? You’re basically starting from ground zero. You could be happy and successful if you just took a steady job. Would I be happy? I thought to myself. I couldn’t take it anymore and shoved her away.
“Okay.” I say as I made a mental note to search up reference photos for my next painting.
Christmas
Christmas is also another holiday where we used to get the whole family together. Now, the family is getting smaller and smaller and bringing people together from the other side of the country is no easy feat. While we celebrated the holiday in previous years, last year we celebrated it with each other in spirit. GuGu flew back to her hometown in China and stayed there for a couple of months. It was nice she had some time off. Here in America, she was constantly working. She worked long hours and she even worked on some holidays. Sometimes when we talked, she would bring up her desire to retire. But, in her situation, it was impossible.
Hearing that made my gut twist in all directions. My throat became dry and it felt as if I had a big stone stuck in my throat. My aunt was only getting older and I feared the day when she was no longer able to see the glistening shores and hear the songs of the geese's.
The Unsent Message
It’s been months now. I heard the news that GuGu is now back home. I’m at my desk working on a new painting. I toggle the zoom in and out button on Photoshop. This is my way of catching anything that needs to be improved. Glancing at my phone next to me, I grab it and immediately open up messages and type in:
GuGu, when are you free?
Want to have lunch sometime?
My index finger hovers over the send button. God dammit, just send it! My brain screams. But my body says otherwise. I quickly close my phone and place it next to me. Trying to forget everything, I continue to work on my project.
She should be fine. Right? My gut starts to twist.
The Day
My family and I are eating breakfast. My parents have also come back home from China. It was a bright morning. Through the open window, golden rays danced on the table. Steam rose from my porridge, soft ribbons rising and disappearing into thin air.
“今天早上, Lilly 告诉我们一个事情。
This morning when Lilly picked us up from the airport, she had urgent news to tell us.
她要们我么先回家洗洗脸吃点饭。 你受她已经告诉我们有事情还不赶快告诉！
But instead of telling your father and I right away she wanted us to arrive home and wash our face and eat breakfast first. She already told us half way, why couldn’t she just tell it then?! I told her to just spill it!” said my mom, angrily chomping on a cucumber.
“你知道发生了什么吗？
Do you know what happened?” my mom continued explaining.
“What happened?” I replied back, staring intently at my mom.
“姑姑，死了。
GuGu is dead.”
“Fire.”
Too fast and too soon she was taken under the spell of the flames. The smoke filled her lungs like plumes of clouds in the sky. And as stealthy as seasons change, so did reality and now my aunt is gone.
Like the tides, this will never really leave.
All I know is that GuGu is a wonderful woman. A strong-hearted woman who sparkles even in the dullest setting.
