Where Anger Comes From
Anger. The feeling within you where it bubbles and brews, blows up, which it then finally seeps into every core of your mind, body, and soul, feeding off of you. Tainting your wholeness, creating a monster of where in then you turn from being angry to Anger, the devil in flesh. And the worst part of where anger comes from is that it is planted from the very people you love.
I’ve come to realize that the most toxic people in my life are my parents. Most importantly, I’ve come to realize that they are also the most caring people in my life. This duality of toxic-care that I deal with on a daily basis is exhausting. And I’ve got to admit, I let Anger take over me more often than I would like. Though every time I find myself sobbing my heart out, sitting by a mound of tissues, I find it a bit easier to befriend Anger.
It goes like this: When dad gets angry with me over starting employment as a dog walker, it’s not actually about dog walking. He’s worried that I’m putting my time and energy into scouring a small paycheck of $60 each week. When mom gets angry with me over my breakup with my ex boyfriend, it’s not actually about him. She’s hurt that the boys I’ve dated have treated me poorly.
So, breathe. And let’s focus on what really matters.
I don’t believe dog walking is an actual job. Who would want to hire you? Look at you, all you do is slack off, working on your art. Art is nothing, and it’ll bring you nothing.
Taming Those Inner Demons
If someone is angry and you, the worst thing is to be angry likewise. If your anger is left “untreated,” your anger will fester and seep into other areas of your lives. It starts to take over us like a tumor or disease that spreads within us, until we become the very person we don’t want to become.
There isn’t a definite solution to this but, if we respect ourselves and recognize our self worth the best thing we can do is simply walking away. Walk away knowing toxic people are not worth your time and energy. That no one can put a value on you, other than YOU.
This “solution” stems from controlling the very thing that we as humans do have control of in the midst of a chaotic world: Ourselves. There is an explosive, almost volatile energy associated with anger. There is so much story in it that instead of lingering on the hurt and pain, put that energy into a passion like writing, art, or fitness. Use that anger as fuel for your flame.
Let that toxic person have their cake. While you grow in silence.
What I do all day is work on my art. I don’t even have time to take care of myself.
Be The One To Break The Pattern
It’s nerve wracking when there isn’t a one-solution-to-all. I’ve been there. Countless hours trying to understand my parents and the reason they said what they said. In the end there is no point, the cycle probably started with our parents’ parents and way before that and the cycle will keep on continuing. Unless I break it. Unless YOU break it.
You see, there’s a pattern here.
The anger, the pain, is coming from a place of fear. This isn’t surprising. It’s hard wired into our biological system. As humans we are designed to react to things that trigger our defense systems. This was how our ancestors survived. This is what makes us human — the ability to process information and act in response to it. So if the venomous words that are being spit are coming out of fear, then why am I hearing such a chaos of words that sting to the very soul of my being? Hearing my own parents push me to the very edge, say the most hurtful thing that I have been recovering from the absolute trauma of. Because they simply are bad communicators.
Bad communication = not saying what you actually mean = saying things that end up being hurtful
The only reason your ex broke up with you is because of your bad attitude. No one is going to like someone with an attitude. Look at all the nice things he’s done for you. And you tell him he needs to learn to respect himself when you are the one who is lacking any respect. Sorry, no one likes you.
Communication Is A Bigger Issue
This whole world is based on communication. Every word, behavior, and visual we read, hear, say, or see is being translated and processed. Therefore I believe communication is the glue — the bonding to holding up any relationship, leading to less anger.
Okay, so how do we “fix” bad communication? Can’t we simply explain our thought processes and role play Law and Order, pretending to be a judge objectifying our logic. That’s being the bigger person. Which is highly commendable and seems very logical but in this case, logic stands no chance at the illogical. Something most parents (or at least asian parents) exhibit when trying to express their emotions.
My parent’s generation is what I call the “Practical Generation’’.” The generation of us children now is what I like to call the “Potential Generation.” Not to say that my brother and I as well as the rest of the generation have completely thrown out any practicality but, there’s a shift in perspective. See, my parents grew up with limited choices, limited resources, limited possibilities. They paved the way to the “Potential Generation”, a generation where the focus is now on reaching dreams and goals and ironically even being paralyzed from the many choices we have (a very millennial problem I must say). The differences of these generations cause a rift in perspective — communication. A force that has a push — pull effect on us and our parents. A force that will most likely be present until the pattern breaks.
I wanted him to know that no matter what, he is worth it. Guess not everyone wants to see the value within themselves.
A Note On Toxic People
While this article is heavily focused on parents, toxic people are everywhere and can be anyone. Your so called “friends”, a significant other, your boss, a stranger, etc.
It’s important to distinguish between your parents who love you and are simply terrible communicators, to those people who intend to hurt you. These are the people you need to watch out for. These are the people where it is wise to stay away. These people feed off of your pain, villainize you and even believing themselves to be the victim. You will always be the bad guy in someone’s story. That’s the truth.
So the next time you’re feeling angry, are you going to let Anger consume you or are you going to come face to face with it?
